I haven’t posted in a while, mostly because there’s been a lot going on.  Not so much schedule-wise, but emotionally.  Some stuff from the past has reared it’s enormously ugly head over the last week and frankly, I’m really emotionally drained from it. 

I don’t think I’ll blog about what it is specifically, because it’s personal and I’m still dealing with it and I’m not sure what the outcome will be.  The good news is, I’m dealing with it.

I think throughout all of this, I’ve been learning a great deal and growing even more.  I can see how my thirties have so far been a decade of extreme growth which is fantastic, though at times very painful.  Here’s really the main thing that has become clear to me.  My past does not dictate who I am.  Yes, it’s a part of me, it’s what brought me to where I am, but it doesn’t mean I have to keep “punching that card” of monotonous living.  I’ve spent too much time saying “no” to things that I was scared of, or just didn’t see myself doing.  Par examplay, I never considered myself a runner because I really detested it.  So when my friend asked if I wanted to do a 5K with her, I immediately said, “No way, thankyouverymuch”.  But then the more I thought about it, I realized that I was holding myself back from something that might turn out to be really amazing.  And I have to say, since I started my training, I have seen, and I feel improvement and it’s so encouraging.  I actually look forward to the next time I get to run.  I know, I’m crazy.

So I’m not going to let this horrible thing from the past hang over me anymore.  I won’t let it hold me back.  If I want to try something, I’m going to try it.  I mean, within reason of course.  This new life credo does not lend itself to things like crack or ghost hunting or hiking in the woods to throw things at sleeping bears. 

This morning while I ran (a full 5K mind you!), I had a seriously spiritual experience.  The temperature was perfect, the wind was lovely, the sun was delicious, and the birds were a-chirpin’!  I didn’t hear anything else, but nature.  And there I was, doing something I never would have done if I hadn’t made a conscious decision to try something new. 

And now my waist is smaller, endorphins are pumping through my body, and I’m feeling pretty awesome.  As I ran/power walked through my workout, I found myself crying.  I just started to tell myself, “You are not ‘that girl’ anymore.  You don’t have to shrink back from physical stuff anymore because you’re scared you will come in last or other people will be much better than you.  This isn’t about anyone else, it’s about you.  You deserve to be the best ‘you’ you can be.  Just look at you now!  Running and pushing yourself to keep going and finishing completely dripping with sweat, red-faced, and grinning like a fool.  You are amazing!”

So that little self-motivating speech is not just for me, but for all of you reading this.  Don’t let your past patterns keep you from trying new things, learning something new, and discovering how amazing you are!

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