Oh boy…confession time.  I was one of those people who would observe young mothers and with my most judgemental attitude, would make proclamations of “Oh, I’ll NEVER do that.  What’s wrong with that mom?”.  Of course, I was also known to claim how I would never repeat the horrible atrocities my own mother made against me when I grew up.  You know, like how she got annoyed with me when I was behaving like a complete crazy.  Imagine!  Certainly, I would never get so angry and/or annoyed with my children!  I would cherish them always, every second of the day!  This is where my *snork* comes in to play – that laugh that gets caught in your nose as you struggle to keep it from sounding sarcastic, which always fails.

I was inspired by a pair of Mommy bloggers who had posed this question of “what have you claimed you’d never do as a parent?”, on their own blog, Rants from Mommyland  (Warning:  These ladies use edgy language, and it’s  NOT a “Christian” blog, just fyi for those of you who may have issue with it).

So here’s a few things I swore I’d never do:

I will never let my children affect my ability to be spontaneous.

Oh, super *snork*!!  Spontaneous?  There is no spontaneous with kids.  Unless you count breaking up spontaenous fights or cleaning up spontaneous puke.  Oh yes, and spontaneously leaving the grocery store because your child/ren have turned into tiny evil people with their screaming and gnashing of teeth.

I will be sure to keep bathroom time to myself.

Please.  I have had all three kids, plus the dog in our small powder room at one time.  Really?  Really?!?!  And I’ve found that even if I insist on being alone, behind closed doors, I run the risk of the minions destroying something or pummeling one another.  It’s basically an open invitation for chaos.  So sure, come on in and chat with me about what Barbie is up to, or what you want for Christmas despite the fact that it’s June, if it will keep you from setting things on fire.

I will maintain an exciting and fulfilling sex life.

First of all, apologies to any and all family members who may be reading this and now saying, “Fantastic!  Thanks so much for that mental picture!  I suppose my therapist will be happy for the extra cash from my extended sessions.”  Really.  Sorry.  But he’s my husband, so it’s okay.  So, this statement sort of relates to the aforementioned promise to keep a  spontaneous lifestyle.  This aspect of married life now must be planned.  Okay, don’t get me wrong single and/or childless people who are now vowing to never get married or are currently on the phone with their GYN scheduling a full hysterectomy, it’s  not like life is over after kids.  There are some spontaneous moments.  It’s just that the spontaneaity needs to be scheduled.  🙂    All I’m saying is that those moments of  “afternoon delight” probably won’t be happening so much.  Or “morning delight”.  But you can’t help but come to the realization that when those moments happen, you run the risk of someone trying to find you to ask for a drink or help in the potty.  So get a lock on your bedroom door. 

I will never forget what precious gifts my children are and cherish every moment I have with them.

Are they precious gifts?  Yes.  Do I keep that truth in my mind at all times?  Not so much.  Because when two kids are shoving each other to the ground over a broken toy that neither of them really love, but because both want it, that means it’s the best toy ever, and the baby is pulling on your pant leg wailing “Up!  Up!” while you’re trying to make dinner for goodness’ sake, it’s a bit much to deal with.  And no, when they turn into evil minions of horridness, I am not so much thinking, “Oh, my precious treasures from heaven!  You are all such sweet blessings!”  No.  I’m thinking more like, “If they don’t stop screeching and smacking each other, I will join frying pan to my forehead.  Violently.”

I will not have children who throw temper tantrums in public places.

I’m not really sure why I thought I could control the evil that resides within my sweet babies, but you cannot stop the unleashing, people.  I don’t care if their diet is entirely organic and completely balanced.  I don’t care how many hours you played Mozart to your baby bump.  I don’t care how many hours you’ve spent reading to them.  Or the sweet moments of bedtime prayer.  They will turn on you.  And if you new parents are staring at that sweet angel sleeping in your arms or babbling adorably on the floor and thinking “Gasp!  Not my little pumpkin!  He’s the bestest, sweetest, most wonderfullest widdle baby there ever was, yes he is!”.  You. Are. So. Wrong.  When they are tired and/or hungry and you have to run to the store because you have absolutely no edible food in the house and it should only take 15 minutes for you to grab the essentials so they should be fine because it’s not very long at all.  Wrong.  They will go from quiet sweetness to evil screaming spawn of the devil in less than 30 seconds.  Then you will find yourself in the middle of the aisle, box of cereal bars in hand (organic and all-natural, of course!) mouth agape as you survey this child who you do not recognize as your own anymore.  And as you contemplate what your next move should be, you can be sure there will be people who pass you and think, “What is wrong with that woman?  Can’t she control her children?  Ugh.  Disgraceful”.  I know this, because like I said, I used to be that person.  And now I know better.  Oh gracious, do I know better.

What are your “I Nevers?”

Advertisements