We need to talk.  We need to talk about relationships and romance and how beautiful the notion of both can be.  We need to talk about how “The Bachelorette” is stomping on that notion, grinding it under its heel, and washing it down the drain. 

I’d like to introduce my friend Jen Hamilton.  She is fabulous and like my previous “stay tuned” post indicated, she will be helping me with this Bachelorette project.  Hi Jen!

Buckle up, boys! It's going to be an unrealistic and overly dramatic ride!

Jen:  So, somehow I have been coerced into watching this season of “The Bachelorette”.  (E note: Coerced?  Hardly.  You know you wanted to.)  My mother-in-law will be thrilled that I am watching, as this is probably her favorite show on TV next to “Dancing With the Stars”.  I’ve actually watched a handful of past seasons when we’ve been with the family at various times.  Every experience watching has been nausea-inducing, to be honest, and only a really cool, extra awesome friend (E:  I did not even tell her to write that.  Pinky swear.) could possibly lure me into a project like this.  But I have tackled it with the intensity of my college classes, taking notes as I sat at the computer and watched Monday’s episode.  TAKING NOTES.  Yep, you heard that right.  I don’t know what that says about me and my reasons for living, but if I’m going to get all snarky about “The Bachelorette” then darn it, I’m going to do a kick-ass job doing it! 

My very first reaction, honestly?  I was totally pissed off!  From the get-go, as they showed her getting dumped by Brad last season in South Africa, I was like, “this girl gets to go to South Africa all because she’s trying to find a husband???”  And then they show all the amazing places they’ll be traveling this season, and I’m so frustrated!  I want to go all those places!  Not to find a husband but just to GO.  And here I sit, in Laramie Fricken’ Wyoming (E: THE locale for all things cowboy-sexy and home of non-stop winter!), and here are these crazy people getting to live in luxury and travel all over the world for what??  So they can date 25 people and be on TV???  Mad, I was!  As Chris was talking to her about last season, and she says “I misused my time and now I get to go back and do things differently” I thought hmm.  Must be nice to have the opportunity to go back and have a “re-do”.  A well-apportioned, luxurious re-do.  If only the rest of us mortals were so lucky.

Elizabeth:  Here’s how I stumbled upon this season.  After 7 or so years of not watching this trainwreck of a show that proves that we have not come as far as we think we have as a society, I watched the premiere.  What can I say?  I was tired, and I just wanted to zone out.  Mix in a delightfully delicious glass of Moscato and I was watching the most hilarious comedy I’d seen in a long time.  (J:  I am hoping at some point in this season to enjoy watching this insanity actually in the company of my friend Elizabeth, plus some excellent wine.)  “The Bachelorette” has 25 MEN vying for the affections of one “lucky” lady.  When you put a group of men in that situation, we witness them regress to their caveman selves and their true competetive nature.  It’s altogether glorious and horrifying.

Jen:  I could not believe how they dragged this thing out.  I guess that’s the staple of all reality shows, that they make everything take so L-O-O-O-N-G.  I almost choked when I realized this premiere was 2 hours!!  (E: Just take another sip of wine) I confess I’m cheating off of Elizabeth’s notes from the 2nd hour because I just could not bring myself to sit at the computer for another hour (again, what does this say about me???  Not so sure.).  At the same time though, I was wondering (as I often do during the only “reality” show I DO enjoy, the Amazing Race) (E:  WOOOTT!!  Amazing Race!!  We’re gonna apply, right Jen?  Right?) just how long this thing took in real time.  I mean, sitting there and chatting up 25 guys couldn’t have just taken like, an hour, right?  I mean, shoot, she IS looking for her husband, right, so surely she’d take a little time before giving some guy the ax?  Am I expecting too much?  I just pictured them there for like 6 hours with her being like “oh crap, I’ve only talked to 15 people, I still have 10 more to go!!” 

Elizabeth:  That’s precisely how they get those dramatic looks on their faces during the “rose ceremony”!!  They’ve been standing there for 8 hours straight, without food or water.  Or BOOZE!  Good thing Tim was already kicked to the curb by then or else he would have sobered up!  But I’m skipping ahead……

Jen:  Some things that I found entirely amusing–first of all, just how idiotic the guys all acted when they were in the room together without her.  I mean, how stereotypical!  They were total jerks, a lot of them.  Chris tells Ashley “You’re in for the night of your life!”  Yeah, getting pimped out to 25 guys!  Woo-hoo!  Sounds like a treat!  I loved how they all wolf-howled when she walked in the room too, very classy.  I love a good wolf-howl when I walk by, don’t you?  (E:  Who doesn’t?!)  Then she tells them–“Allow yourself to fall in love!”  Yeah, so she can dump you because she’s in love with someone else!  Good times! 

Look, this Ashley is obviously a smart, talented girl.  Why is she acting like such an airhead?  Granted, how many clever and intelligent things can you come up with to say when you’re listening to 25 guys promote themselves and talk themselves up.  I just wonder why she couldn’t just fall in love like the rest of us mere mortals do?  And when did America become suckers for such ridiculous twaddle? (E:  You win for best word usage in this post.  Twaddle!)  There is not a single “real” thing about this reality show.  NO ONE falls in love and meets their husband this way.  How many of us dated even 10 guys before we met our husbands?  I think alot of people  love the idea that there is just one perfect mate out there for us, one Prince Charming.  We set ourselves up for failure because we come into relationships with this “list” in our heads of what we want our mates to be, we expect perfection.  And I feel like that’s what this girl is looking for, the “perfect” guy, and I’m sorry to say, he’s just not out there. (E:  Whaaa????  You mean, Bill isn’t the perfect husband?  I am shocked.  To my core.)  (J:  I know, I know, I’m sure Craig only related all the stories of how awesome Bill was, like Bill has done about Craig!)  (E:  *snork*!!)  I mean, that’s got to be the reason why these “relationships” fail so miserably when the season’s over.  When actual “reality” kicks in, and there’s no fancy house, no glamorous travel, just work and life and bills and headaches, well, it’s a lot harder to make it work if the foundation of your relationship is built on something that is totally fake and flimsy.  (E: Amen, sister!!!) 

Elizabeth:  So here’s the breakdown of the “contestants”, which is such a romantic word, isn’t it?

No, no, Jon. You're supposed to hit her over the head with a club and drag her by the hair! This is why you didn't get a rose!

Ryan P – Not bad. Ashley seemed to like him.  He got better inside and got the 1st impression rose.  Okay.  We don’t disagree.

Jon – Sorry, but his eyes and mouth were untrustworthy looking.  He said, “Let’s just skip straight to the honeymoon” and threw her over his shoulder?  No.  He’s frighteningly intense about this whole thing for being only 26.  

Lucas – totally not a standout at all.  Did he even do anything?

William – Cutie patootie Elizabeth thought.  Dimples, fun smile, looks sort of like Matthew McConaughey.  We’re  just a bit worried about his job.  What does “cellular phone salesman” mean?  Is he wearing a polo at the Sprint store?  Eesh.  Love the impressions he did though, and his kid-at-heart attitude is great…. as long as he can pay the bills.

Mickey – He tried to kiss her, she leaned way back. DENIED!  ’nuff said.

Tim! He chose the fast track for how to NOT get a rose! Yeah Tim!

Tim – He was apparently speechless but instead of it being endearing, it only made him look creepy.  His potty mouth and excessive drinking earned him zero points.  Glad she booted him early.

Ben C – This guy spoke French coming out of the limo.  Okay.  Slightly cheesy, but whatever.  He also did the writing on big cards to get her attention.  Again, slightly cheesy, but he was trying.

Stephen – Meh.  We don’t mind long hair, but his looked greasy.

Chris D – He’s a Chicago dude so Elizabeth wants to like him, but it’s not happening.  He read her a poem that was LAME.  Stop with the cheesy poems, gentlemen.  It’s just awkward.

West – Your name is West?  That was an initial strike against you.  However, his compass with the arrow pointing west in case she got lost she could find her way back to him…..we kind of liked that.  In a horribly cheesy way.  But, we didn’t want to kick him in the teeth.

Anthony – open shirt, chest hair, checking himself out in the limo window, gold chain??  NO.  Men who wear jewelry…just, NO.

Rob – Seemed sweet, but a little too intense, like Jon.

Ames – Why is your name Ames?  That’s weird.  Isn’t there a town in Iowa called Ames?  Anyway, he gave her ballet tickets though, so we can’t deny, that was smooth.

"Why are you wearing that mask, Jeff?" "Well, Ashley, it's because I'm creepy!"

Matt – Sells office supplies?  CALLED HIS MOM with her??  Whoah.  However, he does get the Dundie Award for best secret handshake!

 Jeff – We understand what he was trying to convey, but he was just really creepy about it.  If he was more jovial, it would have been not so weird.  And he’s an “entrepreneur”?  What does that mean?  That could mean he owns a bookstore, or a gas station, or a porn shop.  The lack of explanantion scares us.  It’s just all around shadyness.

Not a great picture of Ben F...but pick him, Ashley!!! Pick Ben!!

Ben F. – Winemaker.  Oh, we liked him.  He looks a bit like Josh Groban.  Loved that he shared some wine with her, and his line, “I brushed my teeth like, 8 times today”.

Frank – Picked her up and danced her around.  It was weird and not cute at all.

Mike – Not too bad, not overly cute, made her think he played guitar then threw it in the pool.  E:  All I could think was, “That dude just ruined a perfectly good guitar”.

Chris – He was oozing Canadian-ness.  He did nothing special coming out of the limo, except showcasing his THICK accent.  Too bad, because Elizabeth digs Canadians. 

Ryan M – This guy is Bachelor SuperFan.  He took photos of her, with her, and wanted a photo with Chris Harrison.  What?  Are you here for autographs or to meet someone?

J.P. – New York contruction manager.  Yup.  Liked him.  Simple.  Sweet.  Let’s see how he does in the future.

Nick – Too tan, too many highlights, too pretty.  Recited a LAME poem. What’s with the lame poems??

Blake – Dentist.  That’s all I got.

"I have a daughter named Cozy." "*sputter! choke!* Cozy?!?!? Uh, I mean...I love that name!"

Bentley – No.  And this is taking out of account the fact that she was pre-warned that he was a douche.  He hardly said anything to her out of the limo, and he already stated he hoped the girl was Emily, whoever that is.

Constantine – I’ll forgive him of his name.  He was not bad.  I liked his move of putting dental floss on her finger so she’d remember him.

So Jon, Tim, Anthony, Rob, Frank, Mike, and Chris M were sent packing.  Jon said stuff like, “What am I doing wrong?  I thought she was the one.  My family fell in love with her”.  Um….whuck?  This dude is straight up crazy.  

Tim was just a drunken idiot.  Good riddance. 

Anthony said, “I’ve been single for seven years.  I don’t know how to feel anymore”.  Seriously?!?!?  Dude, you’re TWENTY-EIGHT.  Yeah?  You ready to give up because you didn’t find your true love on THE BACHELORETTE??  Oy.  

Rob said he was “crushed” and “defeated”.  Again, this dude is 27 and he’s totally ready to throw in the towel?  Why would she want any of you?  And you’re not doing a good job selling yourself to the ladies back home who will now recognize you! 

Elizabeth’s top five are:  Ryan P, William, Ben F, J.P., and Constantine, NOT in order.   Ben F. is the front runner for me at this point.

Jen’s top five are:  Ben F (front runner!), Ryan P, J.P. , Constantine, and I was actually going to pick West because a) I kind of liked the compass thing, and b) the whole widower thing was sort of appealing in an “aww!” kind of way.  That is until I read some thing about how both he AND his late wife were doing drugs at the time of her accidental death!  (E:  I’m sorry, What?!?!?  He said she had a seizure…because she suffered from them!  Okay, readers, what do you know about this??)  True or not, don’t know, but definitely spoils the story!!  William or Ames will take his place I guess for now…have to see more!!

Thus ends the first installment of our Bachelorette review.  The most DRAMATIC of all Bachelorette reviews, ever!