Caroline with her Grammy. There is LOVE here.

I’m in Michigan this Labor Day weekend, visiting my mom.  It’s joyful and excruciating at the same time.  Joyful because I’m with her, excruciating because I know these moments will be coming to an end.

I’m exhausted from it all, and I feel awful about it.  I want to make the most of this time while she’s here, and yet it’s tiring to sit in one room all day.

I find myself avoiding the “D”-word.  I know it’s coming, but I can’t say it.  I can say “when she leaves us” or “when she passes” or any other variation of non-D-word phrases.

I also want to be authentic in how I am dealing with this in terms of my faith.  Do not misunderstand, my faith is unshaken.  The foundation is strong.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy-fake I-love-Jesus-so-everything-is-great lady.  My faith in Christ does not mean this isn’t painful.  My mom and I are very close, so this loss will be very painful and very deeply felt.

Now that I’ve said that, when the time comes, I don’t want to hear anyone say, “She’s in a better place”, because I KNOW that.  Okay? I know.  But I will be without my mother, my best friend, my teacher, and that is going to suck.