Caroline with her Grammy. There is LOVE here.
I’m in Michigan this Labor Day weekend, visiting my mom. It’s joyful and excruciating at the same time. Joyful because I’m with her, excruciating because I know these moments will be coming to an end.
I’m exhausted from it all, and I feel awful about it. I want to make the most of this time while she’s here, and yet it’s tiring to sit in one room all day.
I find myself avoiding the “D”-word. I know it’s coming, but I can’t say it. I can say “when she leaves us” or “when she passes” or any other variation of non-D-word phrases.
I also want to be authentic in how I am dealing with this in terms of my faith. Do not misunderstand, my faith is unshaken. The foundation is strong. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy-fake I-love-Jesus-so-everything-is-great lady. My faith in Christ does not mean this isn’t painful. My mom and I are very close, so this loss will be very painful and very deeply felt.
Now that I’ve said that, when the time comes, I don’t want to hear anyone say, “She’s in a better place”, because I KNOW that. Okay? I know. But I will be without my mother, my best friend, my teacher, and that is going to suck.
There's Glitter in my Coffee 
7 comments
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09/05/2011 at 3:20 pm
Cara
Elizabeth, I’m so sorry. And I’m also sorry that you have to try to prevent people from saying the cliches that will hurt and not be helpful. But I’m also so glad that you’re doing that and being honest about it all.
Hearing those things won’t make the pain any less, and I honestly and sincerely will be praying that no one attempts to “make you feel better” with little cliches…because I know from experience that those just hurt.
Love, Cara
09/05/2011 at 3:34 pm
Kristy Baird
So well said. You can be a Christian, love the Lord, and still fall completely apart when you lose a person you love-especially a Mother. Christian or not, it does suck, always will suck, and IMHO, I think it is so good that you know exactly how you feel and are verbalizing it! I will never tell you, “She’ll be in a better place, etc.” I will tell you I am praying for her comfort, and for that of you and the rest of your family. Sending love and a hug from SE MI. Kristy Baird.
09/05/2011 at 4:15 pm
Megan Hall
Beth,
Hugs—big ones….
This journey is NOT an easy one, and that no matter what age we are, we are not fully prepared for. While those that suffer are going to a better place, unfortunately, those left behind are left in a worse one. I think those that have not traveled this type of journey, often do not know what to say, so those words come out. I have, as you know, traveled that sucky journey twice before the age of 30, so I understand and know what to say and what not to say. It’s hard….so, so hard, but if you need anything or want to vent and send me an email with all of your frustrations…I am ready! Wishing and always hoping that you are finding small joys and treasures in the moments you are spending with your mom.
Love and prayers,
Megan
PS—I just love the picture of your mom with Caroline—so, so precious and meaningful.
09/05/2011 at 8:38 pm
Karen
There is nothing in this world that will make you feel better. When my dad d…well, you know…the D word, I was soooooo angry at the world for going on while I was mourning. I wanted to scream in the grocery store, “Don’t you know my dad just d***…!” Or I’d glare at the guy in the car at the stoplight who was ‘dancing’ to the music. How could he be enjoying himself when my dad just d***! And if anyone DARES to say, “She looks so good…” at her wake, I will personally slap them silly for you!!
I remember feeling guilty that I was in such pain when I knew all the stuff I knew about Heaven and the hope we have, and so on and so forth…and I wasted a lot of time trying to deal with the guilt while my heart was shattered in a bazillion pieces. So don’t go there. It’s okay to feel any way you are feeling.
I love you and I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. Any time you need me to take the kids for you, just let me know. I know it’s hard to ask, but do it anyway. Even if you just want to be alone after CBS, or go to lunch with a friend, if I’m available I will take Miles home with me. I even have a car seat in my car.
I will continue to pray…
Karen
09/06/2011 at 2:29 am
mollyhankins
I was angry after my Grandma died, angry and sad. I had asked God for one thing, to be able to be with her when she died, and I wasn’t able to be there. I was so angry, Elizabeth. But the God I believe in is big enough to deal with me right where I’m at. I told God all about it, and he was with me in that dark place for awhile. In retrospect, 2 years later, I can see the reason why I wasn’t there when she died and I have accepted it. But yep, I was angry. I cut off all my hair…in the Old Testament, shaving your head in sack-cloth and ashes kinda way… and I got a tattoo for her. Well I’m not sure what I’m saying, except, I love that you are being authentic with where you are at. God is big enough to handle it all. Sending you much love.
09/08/2011 at 3:32 am
Brandi
There are no words. Just hugs and prayers!
09/09/2011 at 3:59 am
Amy Albert
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”….never stray from the power of god, he will heal pain, frustration, anger, and suffering, I love you Beth.
Amy Albert